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[31 May 2004|02:06pm] |
you can find me from this post forward at:
___dinosaurs
thats the new journal and its about fucking time!
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[30 May 2004|05:13pm] |
wow. i spent so much time refreshing this page because stupid computer said it was unavailable i forgot what i was going to write about. i havent signed in 15 days. thus, one could deduce ive been...fuck, do you hear the way im speaking? so fucking gay. my forehead got sunburned yesterday and it hurts...itll probably peel and be fucking gross. i cant get comfortable with anything anymore, and i dont feel confident in my decision making capabilities.
i am unsure.
i am the king of making decisions. i am the king of regetting those decisions. im also, tangentially, the king of apologies...awe fuck, here i go again. i hate the way i communicate sometimes. i hate the way my brain gets all rattled and i dont know what i wanna talk about. i think im reacting to the fact that ive been walking on eggshells around everyone lately, roommates, family, shit like that. its a matter of consequence...or coincidence considering lately it seems like everyone is on edge and not in a joking, or smiling, or happy, or positive mood.
when i come to connectcut i feel like i could just stay here and itd be like i fell into a big hole and was never heard from again. its appealing and scary at the same time.
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[15 May 2004|09:49pm] |
roommates are watching degrassi and eating pizza. i have one final to go. i am going to a bash...
i dont know how i feel
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[12 May 2004|12:53am] |
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today i feel i convincingly argued the case for physician assisted suicide.
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[10 May 2004|08:54pm] |
[02 Dec 2003|10:00am]
Well, I'd like to make this short. Not curt, exactly, just to the point. There is a deep cavernous hole in my life right now. And that's a shame because things are quite well on every other front of my life. But when the warm smiles and long embraces end, and I walk out into the cold, take my long train home or back into the city or get out of the shower and walk to my room, cold and wet still, I feel this deep and intangeable hunger. It is desperate. I'm realizing that there are many decisions in my life I have made that I wish I could take back, just as there are many times I feel I have been slighted...and although I appreciate where I am, I am left with the lingering question of "what if..."
So I'm going to ... see some people who fill up my heart. Because it's a chilly and beautiful day and I have a warm coat.
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honesty [18 Oct 2003|05:56am]
back here. this is where it belongs? you repeat words to your self: hemorage, interrogation, atmospheric. yeah ok this makes no sense. you repeat concepts and tendencies and you isolate the problems. isolate. you say, "i have a problem being honest." and they reply, "why is it that i feel i've been on the recieving end of your bullshit geoffrey?" and i've gotten that response. and you respond, "no, it hasn't been you." and you're shocked because truth coming off your lips is like the encouraging statement you suddenly realize is the most remarkable and graceful thing you've conjured.
but shock wears off and impatience sets in and you say, "i've isolated and extrapolated and...i have a good heart, right? so why is this not working?" and i still have to make up for allt he mistakes i made before i was thrust in virtuousness. or do you claim the past-life experiences were some curse given by the paternal genes? and the freshman you;re not sure about is calculating your integrity and you can only passively assure him that he is wrong and that you're on the right track. "well i dont feel on the right track, mark" is what you want to say.
but no, never claim weakness. never give them an inch cause theyll take a fucking yard away from you and your righteous indignation. well i dont feel on the right track, the track to self-improvement or empowerment or empowering others to extrapolate key facts from your love life. maybe its because you dont know shit about me or what ive done and i own those embarassing imbicilities that i never asked for. and i never apologize for shit i didnt ask for and happen to accept most graciously. whiteness, passing for it anyway. affluence. well adam the most level headed person i know told me not to overcompensate. upper-middle-classness? oh, the word of the fucking lang millenium: privilege.
i will not apologize. i own that shit. and i own my mistakes. i mean christ how could i forget? i am reminded of them everyday. or maybe they werent mistakes. maybe i willfully decieved every girl ive ever met? what would happen then? for all the apologizing and self-helping im doing you wouldnt know that ive made mistakes. its common knowledge that i am a fucking predator. and i give myself so much credit. powerful language: predator.
i think some minds are already made up. im tired of trying to make minds up for people. i think up until now i was too fucking stupid to realize its pointless and no matter how many honest words or good deeds i do all anyone ever remembers is, "didn't you make out with like four girls while you were dating my roommate?"
actually it was five. fuck you.
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So we have two distinct feelings here. I am a multifacetted person. And I'm tired of just about everything. White privilege sucks because you care about the most pointless bullshit. there will be no more analysis...
p.s. this is the one, right eden?
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blindingxstars's journal